my downward spiral
Guestbooklife sucks and theres nothing we can do about it, everything here is pure fiction.
So really, id rather off myself before that happens, who wants to die of old age anyway? wouldnt you (whoever the fuck you is..) like to die young and be remembered as a young, miserable person? Id like that.. death is not the end if you leave an impact. So i suggest if you dont want to be forgotten, do something that will get you your own wikipedia page. Now think about it really hard,do you want to be a slave to society? will anyone remember you after you die? im pretty sure both of your answers to these questions are a big fat no, so what to do? first of all, you should think of how you want to be remembered as. There are 2 ways to get people to remember you and immortalize yourself, one is easier than the other and it is solely up to you. First before we get into that, lets talk about death. You hear the word death and may think to yourself.."I dont want to die", why the fuck not? There is absolutely no need to be scared of it, its gonna happen to all of us sooner or later. And if you're not scared of that then you probably wuss over what happens AFTER DEATH, honestly i dont get why since isnt that supposed to be the exciting? i personally think nothing happens, do you remember anything before you were born? exactly, that. you just lose consciousness and thats it, or maybe we get to meet with other dead people? hah probably not. Death is supposed to free you from all your worries and make you feel finally at peace, its not supposed to make you scared or anxious. Anyways, the first way to immortalize yourself is to commit a heinous crime and off yourself right after, do not i repeat DO NOT somehow mess up killing yourself. If you do be prepared to live a very slow and meaningless life in prison,or maybe as a vegetable..., "Oh but i dont want to cause pain to others!" its not causing pain to others, think of it more as like freeing them, and guess what..it wont matter anymore! you're dead too. Now after thats done, congratulations! you've officially immortalized yourself, you wont ever be forgotten and if you do it right you might even start a revolution (lol). Your ideas will live on. Now the second way to be remembered is to SOMEHOW become an insanely famous celebrity, which is also insanely difficult so i wont even really go into it. Either way if you decide to kill yourself i recommend shotgun to mouth, its instant and painless. Pulling the trigger will be easy if you're determined. I love seeing other people in public, its hard to believe they have their own lives. Sometimes i just wish i was the only person alive, or maybe just me and some of my selected people. What are others good for anyway? if they have no purpose they should just die. I think we should stop using social media, all its ever caused is pain and suffering and trust me its not getting any better, the more advanced humanity is the more miserable we become. Thats why i wish i was a fucking dumbass, my depression gets worse the more i understand, ignorance is bliss. I am not going to stay on this planet for very long, i know too much and its causing me pain. Nothing is ever going to fix me and that is the sad reality, i will be happier wherever i end up after. Sometimes i really wish i was born in the 80s so i couldve experienced humanity's prime and offed myself right before everything went downhill. Horrible things are gonna happen to us very soon, i just know it. Everything changed after 2020 and not for the good.I regret being a bad kid, im sorry mom for all the things ive said to you. I keep forgetting that you're a person with feelings too. Ive always wanted to leave my family but now when its happening it doesnt seem so good anymore. I have no motivation to do anything since everything is pointless, we're all gonna die anyway. I feel so alone with my problems and i know no one cares enough, the idea of death gives me comfort. Im still thinking about if my country would ever go to war and if i would stay to legally kill people, kill myself and give up or flee the country. The pain inside me is unbearable, i feel guilty about so many things and im worrying all the time, i just know after i end it all ill be free. Im also starting to lose interest in the things and activities i used to love, i want to get out of it and fix myself but sometimes my life just feels like a downward spiral.I think its too late for me anyway, i dont know where it all went wrong but i wish i didnt turn out this way. I had a fairly normal childhood, friends and enough money in my family to make me happy. Easier to read now? I dont know why i should change anything for a mere stranger. Now dont you worry about me getting caught because i know i wont, im not important enough for anyone to look into anything. Now i want you to know me being a "columbiner" has nothing to do with my ideas, they (E n D)just give me comfort and something to do. My life is so boring ive started to enjoy studying (something i used to hate), everything still feels pointless, just that now i have something to do. Every time i go out to the store i keep making myself "pretty", i don't know why.. since i seriously do not care what others think. I'm gonna die anyway and these people wont remember me, i just cant bring myself to go out looking like i have mental problems (i do not). Thinking about how i could possibly be bragging about my plans for a mass attack, when have i ever said that i'll do it? :-) Im just writing about whatevers on my mind. Now what i will do is off myself and the way i do it depends on the upcoming years.Life is feeling very pointless recently, no matter what i do i always think something like "Why am i doing this? It wont matter soon enough". I struggle with everything i do currently, fortunately i am gonna face a big change soon, hopefully that will knock some sense into me.You know what i really fucking hate? when people send me absolutely pointless snaps, "Good-night","Going to sleep soon","Good-morning"..does it look like i fucking care that you're going to sleep or waking up? In fact i dont think anyone cares therefore if you are one of these people who send snaps like these frriggin stop already because nobody gives a shit. I always remove people who do that since most of the time they are not that important to me. Today i told some ugly bitch to stop snapping me (because i dont like her lol) and this nigga was still snapping me for the whole day? what???! i havent sent her a single snap and she sends me like 50 a day.. what a moron.... my life is literally a downward spiral, i know there is absolutely no way out of this anymore.My fate is sealed. Part of me still thinks that someone is gonna "save" me from this but we all know that im never gonna be so called normal again (death is the ultimate freedom. its the only way we can be saved).Something i have always wanted to do is go back in time (70s-00s) and take my tech with me,phones,computers,tv whatever, you know how cool it would be? to explain to someone what it is and show them everything in it.I just want to show them youtube and the high quality videos, or maybe play new videogames on my computer. I kinda feel at peace right now, like im ready to go.Thinking about joining the military, it would give me a purpose.I really want to visit Denver someday, would be awesome. Not like anyone actually reads this shit but i just like typing out stuff on my mind.If you are reading this and look like Eric hmu.! i reeealllly fucking hate it when men (UGLY men especially..!) simp over Eric and say fag stuff about him. He was bullied and called a fag, i think he would've actually shot you if you said stuff like that to/about him. Any of yall on tikok? have you guys seen the ******* account? fucking hate that shit, so embarassing and disrespectful. The "girl" looks like a neanderthalian monkey! :-P To be honest i dont even know what the fuck is wrong with me, i have a roof over my head, food on the table and hobbies.Why do i still want to die? i fantasize about the gun that will eventually take my life and free me,"A lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash" how is it gonna feel in my mouth? I just dont see myself in the future, there are currently 2 things on my list that i want to do before i die, one of them is doing military service. I just want to be ready in case there is a war, i wont be an useless civilian. i know i had different opinions about war before but at the moment a small part of me hopes theres one in the next 5 years, only because i know i would die.I just dont want my relatives to feel sad after im gone, since it was my own decision after all.Its the beginning of the end for me, someday this website is gonna be all thats left of me, feels right. I still havent decided if i want to be forgotten or be remembered forever, leave an impact on the world, a last "Fuck you" to everyone. I hate that im so lonely, no one ever invites me anywhere, not like i have a bunch of friends anyway. Ive moved around so much and changed schools, it has seriously fucked me up. I hate every one of my friends who dont invite me anywhere, im always the one coming up with plans, they never have time. What is so wrong with me? why doesn't anyone think of me as their "best friend"? they all leave me in the end and i end up alone. I just dont get why, im not some crazed weirdo, i have an okay personality, im a normal person with nothing to do, the loneliness is unbearable. I hang out with people sometimes, i go out almost every day! now that i am thinking about it, i really dont remember the last time someone invited me to go and do something. I was gonna take my friend to the city to do some fun activities for MY birthday and cover all the expenses but now im not sure about that, they dont deserve MY TIME if they dont think of me as someone with feelings.I bet they wouldn't even remember my birthday if it wasn't for snapchat XD!! Ill probably just go to the shooting range alone, since there is absolutely no one i can take with me, course i have friends but they're probably not real, i wish i had a partner i could spend time with.Excited for winter, cant wait to wear my duster!! :-) i love the nice crispy cold, and the snow..so pretty! Another boring day, wasted. Every day is the same its so meaningless. I wonder what'll be left of me after i go, still dont know if i want to be cremated or not. I hate one of my family members, he calls me all sorts of names every day, for no reason. He's aggresive towards kids and literally beats me sometimes, he's probably too fucking retarded to understand that what he's doing is gonna have consequences. Sometimes i want to murder that fucker. Its fine though, ill be out of here in no time. Im worried that the he's actually gonna kill someone someday, not like i care but i just hope its not any of my relatives. I should start eating less.. i hate how whenever im bored or feel sad, i feel the need to eat. It's not like im fat, i just dont want to BECOME fat, would make military service 10x harder. I hate it when people dont answer my question or leave me on read, what the fuck is wrong with them? are they really THAT busy? can't even find time to answer a simple question? it's only fine if i do it since i genuinely forget or have ACTUAL stuff to do, unlike them. Saw a dream today where i killed myself, was pretty disappointed when i was alive the next moment.Im so hungry i just want to eat something good, like cookies, but i cant. I wish i wasnt so careless before, i want to be skinny again. I hate that im counting calories, its something i thought i would never do. There is absolutely no way i am a few kg lighter than my fucking mom.. the thought of it makes me want to die.Ill stop until i reach the weight i want to be, which is 40-45 kg. After that i can eat in peace again.Can't wait to leave this world, there's nothing here for me, no one want's me so why should i even try lol. Maybe i should just shoot myself in front of a crowd to leave an impact XD. It's funny how i thought that 'big change' was gonna do anything to me, everything is the fucking same. Why can't i just be brainwashed into thinking that life is worth living? No one fucking cares about me except my parents, i'm never going to find love, that person simply doesn't exist anymore and there's absolutely nothing left to do other than live my life in complete loneliness or just kill myself, atleast the second option has a 1 percent chance of meeting him. Now what pisses me off is how useless i am, i'm exactly the kind of person i hate. I just can NOT fucking believe that i have no friends, what am i a fucking loser? I cant believe im at this point in life, it makes me pretty sad, i thought i would be somewhere else..atleast not fucking suicidal and friendless.Maybe i should start journaling on paper, you know, just in case.. I always feel like someone is spying on me on my laptop or phone. What if someone really is reading my messages? i would be so fucked might as well kill myself the moment i find out. I couldn't care less if people are reading this shit (bet no one is anyway lol) i just wish to stay anonymous.I miss him so much, i wish things were differtent, the thought of him makes me want to end my life, just because he's not here.I hate everything about myself, my hair, my face, my body,,,... I wish i was pretty, that would change everything. How is one supposed to live with their worst enemy? in this case it's me, and i have to live with myself. My life is not how it should be, how i imagined it. I'm too retarded to go to college, I have no friends, no hobbies anymore, no partner.. Im just a perfect example of a failure. I want someone to love me, but oh well. It doesn't matter what i want. I've kind of accepted the fact that im gonna be lonely forever, im just unlovable, and im not the only one who think's that. "I can't imagine you in a relationship". Like i said earlier, useless people should die, im pretty useless. Im gonna buy a flip phone. Can't people do their jobs anymore? Imagine having the most fucking simple job ever (bus driver) and you somehow manage to fail at that. Makes my blood boil, fucking piece of shit doesn't have enough brains the be on time, if it says you have to be there at 30 then you will, not 10 minutes later. I am NOT going to run back to the bus stop only because they can't do their one job correctly. I hate how i look so much, makes me want to kill myself. I hate how fat i look, my ugly thin hair, my disgusting facial structure, my ugly fat arms, i want to cry every time i see myself in the mirror. How can anyone ever love a face like mine? Every time i see a couple or someone prettier than me, i fill with rage. The numbers going up on the scale, i have gained a kilo. I don't even want to think about it, how could i let this happen? I'm good at nothing. Useless. What the fuck has happened to me.. Being skinny runs in the family, i used to be so small and petite and now i look like a fucking disgusting troll. I hate other girls, they always look better than me, they have their dream lives while i do absolutely nothing, i don't have friends, i don't have a boyfriend and i don't go out. "Oh just go out more and you will find them!" No i fucking wont. I can't go out without friends. It's all useless. I feel so left out, i haven't done anything. I have never been to a proper party, i have never been drunk, never had a boyfriend (except the one in 3rd grade lmao), no one fucking invites me anywhere and it's not my fault, they all know how lonely i am and how im free to do anything, yet they still wont reach out. I don't know how much longer i can go without killing myself, next year i can finally buy a gun and i just can't wait! And for everyone reading this, i won't harm anyone else, if i do decide to end it all.